


Wonderland

by nyamgi



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Coming Out, Confusion, Developing Relationship, Drama, Drama & Romance, Dream World, Dreams, Dreamsharing, Emotional, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, First Love, Gay, Gay Male Character, Happy, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Male Bonding, Male Friendship, Sexuality Crisis, True Love, Wonderland, kpop, sanhwa lovers, soft, supportive friends, third person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-13 10:30:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21492859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyamgi/pseuds/nyamgi
Summary: Seonghwa bites the bullet and gently brushes his lips against San's, feeling how soft and warm they are. The feeling lasts no more than a second, Seonghwa feeling San's weight no longer pressing on him. San has disappeared again, only this time, Seonghwa isn't feeling ashamed in himself, but feeling the need to see San again as soon as possible.(probably will be lots of plot holes, haha...)
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter One

San has been having these dreams featuring himself being in bed with some other man recently. Ever since he went to visit America, these dreams have invaded his sleep. He tries to look at the man sometimes, but he swears he has no idea who the man is. These dreams go on for about a week, when…

Late one night, Seonghwa was up late partying with his friends in Seoul, Korea. He got home much later than usual, and he was slightly drunk, so his friend Jongho had to help him inside his apartment since he was the only one strong enough to be able to handle him up all of his apartment stairs. 

Seonghwa laughs as Jongho throws him into his bed, “Hey, don’t be so rough with me! I’ll get you back for that,” he tries to play fight with Jongho, but in his weakened state, the pushes feel like a kitten doughing. 

Jongho laughs at him, having stayed sober this whole time so he could help the guys home. “Just go to bed, Seonghwa,” he shakes his head while lifting a pillow from Seonghwa’s bed and throws it to Seonghwa’s face, “I’m leaving now. Text me in the morning so I know you’re okay. If you’re even up in the morning hours.” Jongho smirks and leaves Seonghwa’s apartment.

Seonghwa strips his shirt off, feeling hot, probably from all of his drinking, and falls back onto his bed. He tangles himself up in his covers, too hot to have them fully covering him. Soon after, he falls asleep, wondering if he will have the same dream again.

Seonghwa wakes up in the dream, in the bed with the other boy just like every night it seems. Only this time, the other boy is awake and is sitting in the bed, looking down at him. Seonghwa flinches once he sees the boys’ sharp eyes, “H-Hello…?” Seonghwa questions the man, wondering if they can talk back.

San is surprised to see the other boy is awake tonight and shirtless at that, but he tries not to stare. He scoots back on the bed, “What the-? Who are you? I didn’t know you could, uh… Be alive? No, that’s not it. Be awake? I guess…” San tries to file through his mind for an explanation, realizing he’s thinking out loud, he rubs the back of his head, “Haha, I’m sorry. I just really don’t know what to think right now, you know? Also… Why are you not wearing a shirt? You usually are.”

Seonghwa cocks his head, “Usually are?” he questions back at the man in bed with him.

San nods, “You’re the man that’s been in my dreams the past few days. Have I not been in yours until now?”

Seonghwa tries to understand what is going on, thinking he is crazy for imagining the boy in his dreams up and talking to him like he’s a real person, “You’re not real, you’re just some dream I’ve made up in my drunken state,” he attempts to rationalize this whole situation the best he can. This boy can’t possibly be real, can he? He’s just some stranger Seonghwa has been imagining in my dreams, right?

San understands how surprised he must feel, but he himself has been wondering if the man in his dreams is actually real. He always wanted to know if he was able to wake up. “I’m pretty sure I’m real,” San smiles and laughs, doing the wave with his arms, “could a fake person do this?”

Seonghwa smiles a bit, but turns his head, “I don’t know… I’ve never met a fake person. Okay, well, maybe metaphorically fake, but not like this. Who even are you?”

San flopped back onto the bed in a silly manner, finding it hard to contain his excitement for this boy to actually be real and awake, “My name is San. What is your name, mystery man?” He asks playfully.

Seonghwa watches San and he can’t help but smile, “I’m Seonghwa. It’s nice to finally meet you, I suppose.” 

San sits back up excitedly, “This is truly incredible! I can’t believe you’re actually awake. Why are you usually asleep in my dreams? Am I like that in your dreams normally?”

Seonghwa nods, “This is the first time you’ve been awake at the same time as me,” he looks down, remembering that he is shirtless, so he lifts the covers up to cover his bare chest in an attempt to shield his embarrassment. His face gets a little rosy, “Sorry, I may or may not have been the teensiest bit drunk when I went to bed tonight.” He sits cross-legged, holding his legs as he explains to San about the night of partying he had with his friends.

San smiles throughout Seonghwa’s retelling of his night, finding it interesting to learn more about this what-used-to-be stranger in his dreams. “I see, haha. It sounds like you had a good night, huh? So you’re asleep right now?” he questions, having a theory he’d like to confirm.

“Yes, I am asleep right now… We are in a dream together, after all. No matter how crazy I know that sounds. I don’t even know what I’ll think about it once I wake up. I’ll probably find myself crazy, and I surely can’t tell any of my friends about this,” Seonghwa says, thinking about how his friends would probably laugh at him, knowing they’d think that this whole dream meeting thing is a load of bull.

“Ah, that’s what I thought!” San exclaims, “Every time I’ve had this dream the past few nights, you’ve always just a sleeping man, but this time you’re awake. I’m thinking that if we are asleep at the same time, we’re able to interact with each other. If we sleep at a different time than the other, then we just show up in a comatose-like state,” San continues to explain his theories to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa listens intently, nodding, “I suppose that could be correct. You’ve always been asleep for me as well…” he trails off as he starts to look around the room they’re in or lack thereof. He sees that they’re in some sort of room of nothingness. “Hey, do you think since we’re in a dream that we could conjure up anything we wanted?” Seonghwa asks San in a curious tone.

San looks around too and smiles as he closes his eyes and attempts to conjure up some beautiful scenery. He opens his eyes and finds both of them now in a large field of grass, still in the bed, which must be a static thing that keeps them in this dream together San thinks. He looks up at the sky and his smile goes wide as exactly what he wanted is there, a magnificently clear sky full of stars.

Seonghwa looks up at the sky with San and his eyes go wide in awe of the beautiful sight. “Woah, that’s incredible… So, we can just make anything appear at will?” He closes his eyes, about to try and conjure his own scene up, but when he opens his eyes, he’s back in his own bedroom with his alarm blaring.

Seonghwa looks around his room and bed, realizing he’s out of the dream and San is gone. He gets up out of bed quickly, his heart pounding as his understanding settles in that that really just happened. He sits back on the bed, his feet flat on the ground with his elbows resting on his knees and he puts his head in his hands. “Am I crazy?” he questions to himself quietly. He gets back up after a while of sitting and goes to his kitchen to get a glass of water to calm his nerves. 

San was scared when Seonghwa just fell back on the bed in the middle of whatever he was trying to make, but soon after he also woke up.

San gets up from his bed, excited about what just went down in his dreams. He knew that one time he went to sleep that the boy would be awake! He goes and quickly gets his journal to write down what’s just happened and everything they were able to figure out together. 

San also hopes that Seonghwa isn’t too scared when he wakes up. He felt that Seonghwa thought the whole situation was weird and could possibly blame the crazy dream on his drunkenness. San looks forward to tonight, hoping that they’ll be awake at the same time again. Thinking that he might try to go to bed early to ensure it, but he will have to see how today goes. 

The real world is a thing, after all. 

End of Chapter One


	2. Chapter Two

The next night, San goes to bed earlier than usual, hoping to catch Seonghwa awake tonight. He makes sure he’s in his nice purple pajamas his grandparents gifted to him from Korea to wear while he’s in America. 

San wakes up in his dream wonderland to Seonghwa already awake, wearing his usual navy striped silk long-sleeved pajamas. 

“You’re back to your normal pajamas tonight! Thank goodness, I think I would’ve had to force myself awake if you were shirtless again,” San smiles playfully.

Seonghwa rubs the back of his head, “Haha, yeah, sorry about that last night.”

San shakes his head, “I’m just playing, silly, don’t be so serious!”

Seonghwa smiles and looks at San, admiring his purple pajamas, “Those look really nice on you. Where did you get them?”

San looks down at his attire and back to Seonghwa, “Really? My grandparents sent them to me as a present since I’m away in America right now. I really miss them…” San’s thoughts drift off, thinking about his grandparents. 

Back in Korea, San spent a lot of time with his grandparents. He always loved helping them around the house and cooking for them. They basically raised him he was at their house so often. 

“You’re in America? That sounds so cool, I’ve always wanted to go. Are you there for schooling?” Seonghwa asks, nervous to continue talking about San’s grandparents, not wanting to make him sad. 

San lifts his head and shows his bright smile, “Yes! I’ve come to go to school for a month over here. I know it’s a short time, but my parents and I thought it would be a nice experience for me. They tell me I have really good English pronunciation.”

“Oh yeah? Let me hear,” Seonghwa smiles, resting his chin on his hands. 

San’s cheeks heat up a bit, feeling embarrassed speaking English in front of Seonghwa, “Hello, my name is San.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widen, “Wow! That was pretty good! And thank you for saying something common,” he smiles, never having expected his pronunciation being so fluent sounding.

San laughs and shakes his head, “No, no- it’s really not that good, haha,”

“Oh stop being modest, it was great!” Seonghwa presses, wanting San to know how amazing he really thinks it is.

San can’t help but smile, his heart feeling warm, “Thank you, Seonghwa. That’s really kind of you,”

“I speak the truth and nothing but the truth!” Seonghwa says in a silly voice.

San throws a pillow at him playfully, “You’re a goofball, you know that?”

Seonghwa makes a pouty face, and throws the pillow off the bed into nonexistence, “Hey, no throwing things!”

San crawls over to the edge of the bed and looks down, “Well, you threw something too,” he turns his head to look back and Seonghwa and sticks his tongue out.

Seonghwa shakes his head, closing his eyes and conjures up another pillow, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

San smiles big and crawls back over to him and takes the pillow, hugging it tightly, “You live in Korea, right Seonghwa?” San asks, wanting to clarify.

Seonghwa nods, “I do, I live in Gyeongsang. Where are you from?” Seonghwa asks, becoming more interested in San as they spend more time together.

“Really? I’m from Gyeongsang too! How have we never run into each other when I was back home?” San gets really excited, wondering if the two of them have anything else in common. 

Seonghwa’s eyes widened, realizing that he is speaking the dialect, “I should’ve realized before, haha,” Seonghwa gives San a big smile, “I’m happy to meet someone from here!”

San nods, unable to contain his excitement, “We will have to meet up once I’m back in Korea!” 

Seonghwa is a bit uneasy about San’s remark, unsure if they really should meet up. How would he introduce him to his friends? ‘Oh, yeah, I met him in my dreams where we wound up in bed together.’ Yeah. That’s going to go over well. What would they even say? 

Seonghwa decides to slowly nod, “Yeah, sure!” He tries to say with as much excitement as San, but immediately tries getting away from the subject, “You know what setting would be nice right now?” Seonghwa closes his eyes and the scenery turns into a nice park.

San looks around at the park scenery in amazement, “I’ve always loved the park. My grandparents and I would go on walks in the park about once a week. I always told them how it was good for them to get out of the house.”

“Do you miss them?” Seonghwa asks, knowing San must miss his family dearly - being so far away.

San nods and lays back on the bed, “So much…” He stares up at the sky, “They want me to have as many experiences as I can and live my life to the fullest, but I just want to be there with them to make sure they’re doing alright.”

Seonghwa hesitantly lays back with San, hoping to comfort him by being there, “Just because you’re not there all the time doesn't mean they’re not alright. I’m sure it will make them incredibly happy knowing you’re living a good life. They just want you to have no regrets in life, it seems. It’s not good to have regrets, you can’t let the past control you,” Seonghwa gets a bit off-topic towards the end, perhaps trying to remind himself of what he said as well. 

San looks over at Seonghwa and smiles warmly, “Thank you for talking with me about this, Seonghwa. You’re right though, especially with people - you can’t let their past actions control you,” San replies, hoping to ease whatever Seonghwa was feeling.

Seonghwa makes a noise in agreement, thinking of his own past. After a moment, he turns his head on the pillow to see San’s smiling face looking back at him. Seeing that smile makes his heart begin to flutter, causing him to smile back at him, “I’m glad we met. You’re a really wonderful person, San.”

San gets goosebumps as Seonghwa says those words to him, it makes him feel a bit emotional. San tries to be the best person he can be every day. He loves to bring joy to other people's lives. 

“I’m so glad we met too…” San says, his voice fading out as he disappears. 

San wakes up to his roommate's alarm going off, remembering that he had to get up really early for an exam. San stares up at the ceiling, thinking of Seonghwa. His beautiful brown eyes and dark hair, the way he brings San up. Seonghwa makes San feel happy. His heart pounds as he imagines them laying back and looking at each other, feeling tingling through his body. 

One night, a week after, San is unable to go to bed early as he has been doing in order to spend time with Seonghwa. He had to say up late finishing a project for school that was due the next morning. 

When Seonghwa went to bed that night, and he waited a while for San to wake up. He lies in the bed, his body turned towards San’s sleeping one which is also facing him. Seonghwa smiles as he looks at San’s sleeping face, thinking about how peaceful he looks like this. 

Seonghwa wonders if San had to do something tonight and that’s why he’s not here. Seonghwa wonders if San is thinking about him. Wait- why is he thinking about that? 

Seonghwa admires San, silence filling the dream other than his heavy beating heart. San is such a wonderful person, Seonghwa thinks to himself, feeling warmth in his heart. 

Seonghwa notes how soft San’s skin looks, feeling a want to touch it. What the heck? Why is Seonghwa thinking about that right now? But he can’t help it, he slowly lifts his hand, moving it towards San’s smooth-looking cheek. Seonghwa pauses in the air for a moment. He won’t wake up, right? No, he couldn’t possibly wake up now… It’s been too long if he was going to wake he would have a while ago.

Seonghwa feels a bit of shame, but he can’t get it off his mind. He gently caresses San’s cheek, feeling how warm he feels and how soft. Suddenly, San disappears as his hand caresses San, and soon after Seonghwa wakes up in his real-life bed. 

What just happened? Did he disappear? Was he awake the whole time? Seonghwa’s head is flooded with confusing thoughts. Seonghwa’s heart-pounding continued into the real world and he gently touches his own chest where his heart is. Why does San make him feel so nervous? Seonghwa’s heart only beats like this when he’s feeling like that… 

Seonghwa silently prays that San wasn’t actually awake and felt him do that. The whole rest of the day, Seonghwa feels guilty. If San was awake, he must think he’s such a weirdo… A man shouldn’t touch another man in that way, Seonghwa thinks to himself. Seonghwa begins to worry about his underlying feelings for San. What would his friends think? What would his family think? Korea is quite a conservative country… These feelings Seonghwa is having isn’t widely accepted there.

What is he going to do…? 

End of Chapter Two


	3. Chapter Three

San and Seonghwa are laughing together about all the things they’re conjuring up with their imagination. San falls back onto the bed on his back, a giggling mess when Seonghwa imagined up a mountain made of stuffed animals. Seonghwa looks down at the laughing San and smiles warmly, feeling his own face becoming warm as he watches San. 

San tries to control his laughter, sitting back up, being quite close in proximity to Seonghwa. He can’t stop smiling and starts making faces at Seonghwa, trying to knock him out of whatever he’s doing. He looks like a frozen statue. 

Seonghwa nervously looks away from San, “Hey, don’t make such silly faces.”

San makes a pouty face and bounces once on the bed to urge Seonghwa to look back at him, wanting his attention, “You like my silly faces!” He complains, crossing his arms to act like he’s really pouting.

Seonghwa glances back at San, seeing his pouty face making him unable to hold back his smile. “How cute you look when you’re pouty…” he says quietly to him, slowly leaning closer to San, “Hey,” Seonghwa lifts his arm, reaching to hold onto San’s face. He feels his hand begin to shake and the dream feels glitchy the closer their skin gets to touch, but he has such a strong urge to touch him. 

San’s heart starts to quicken the closer Seonghwa gets to him, nervously closing his eyes, as he’s unsure what Seonghwa is about to do.

Seonghwa finally touches San’s soft cheek, but the moment is soon interrupted.

San felt his touch for barely a second, but then he felt nothing, so he opened his eyes and Seonghwa had disappeared. San let out a deep breath and relaxed back on his arms on the bed. What happened? Did Seonghwa wake up already? San didn’t think they had been in the dream world for that long tonight…

Seonghwa’s eyes go wide as San disappears in front of him, his hand empty where he was once holding his cheek. Seonghwa’s heart pounds hard as he falls forward onto his knees, putting his head onto the bed and between his knees. His breathing is heavy, “What am I doing… What did I just do?” A million thoughts ran through Seonghwa’s head as he realizes he’s shaking. 

“What did I think I was doing?” Seonghwa is whispering all his thoughts aloud to himself, scolding himself. San must’ve woke himself up when San knew what he was about to do… How can he be so stupid? He dreads the next night when he will have to face San again.

Only… The next night, San doesn’t show up in his dreams. 

Seonghwa’s dreams are missing San’s presence for the next three days. Seonghwa has been beating himself up about his mess up every single day.

San feels scared during those three days, afraid that Seonghwa might be going to bed at a different time because he thinks he made a mistake. San has been theorizing though. They have never touched each other in their dreams before. So, why is is that when they touched they disappeared from each other’s dreams? Was it permanent? Is Seonghwa really gone from his dreams forever?

San goes to bed on the fourth night, hoping that tonight he will finally see Seonghwa again. He misses him. He realized how much he looked forward to going to sleep because of Seonghwa, but since the disappearance, he’s just been in his feelings, hoping that one night he will return to him. 

What was Seonghwa going to do that night? Why did San’s heart start beating like that when he got so close to him? His head was so clouded during it, that he can’t even remember what was going through his mind at the time.

Seonghwa goes to bed on the fourth night and wakes up in his dreams to find San. He can’t help but feel his chest tighten at the sight of him. Was he upset at him? Seonghwa swallows, having promised himself that he would pretend like nothing happened that night if San ever did come back to his dreams.

“Hey, man… You’ve been gone for a while. How have you been?” Seonghwa asks, trying to sound calm.

San smiles at Seonghwa, feeling so happy to see him again, “Seonghwa, I’ve missed you. I didn’t know if you would ever come back! It’s only been a few days, but it felt like so long. Especially having to be in the dream world without you… It’s really no fun at all.”

Seonghwa is a bit taken aback by San’s forwardness, even using his name. It makes his hands feel clammy when he hears San say his name. He hates this feeling. He can’t be feeling like this. 

“Haha, I wasn’t sure what happened! It was so weird when you just disappeared. I don’t remember much, really.” Seonghwa says, knowing fully well that the night hasn’t stopped going through his mind since it happened, but he can’t allow himself to be feeling like this. He feels so silly.

San gets closer to Seonghwa, wanting to be closer to him since he hasn’t seen him. From the other night, could Seonghwa be feeling that same way that San is? He can’t be sure. Seonghwa is saying he doesn’t remember much of what happened… Does he regret it? San can’t help but lay his head upon Seonghwa’s clothed shoulder. 

“Well, that’s okay! We’re back together now, right?” San looks up at Seonghwa with bright eyes and his sweetest smile. He isn’t sure of Seonghwa’s feelings, but San hasn’t felt like this for someone before. 

Seonghwa flinches when San lays his head on him, feeling the warmth of him through his shirt. Why is he doing this to him? It’s pure torture… Seonghwa slightly moves, willing San’s head up from his shoulder. It pains him to do so, especially when he sees San’s eyes shift when he moves away. 

“Exactly, we’re back now.” Seonghwa says, feeling the tension in the room. The air was so thick around them from Seonghwa’s standoffishness that he could almost cut it with a knife. 

San can’t help but feel awkward with the situation, and he tries to think of a way to bring Seonghwa’s mood up. San’s smile comes back when he thinks of an idea. He closes his eyes and when he opens them, a small Toothless plushie is in his hands.

Seonghwa watches San as he knows he’s conjuring up something. Seonghwa sees the little plushie appear in San’s hands and he can’t help but smile. 

“What is that?” Seonghwa asks him, curious of why he made a plush of that cute dragon from How to Train Your Dragon appear.

“He reminds me of you! I was watching the movie during one of the days we couldn’t be together and I realized that he kind of looks like you,” San shows Seonghwa a warm smile and holds out the plush for him to take.

Seonghwa slowly takes the Toothless plushie, petting the head of it. He smiles at San, “Thank you, San. I love this movie so much!” Seonghwa holds onto the plush tightly, feeling bad for being so cold towards San. 

Maybe he can allow himself to feel for San… It is only a dream after all. It’s not like he will have to face the true reality while they’re both just a dream. San doesn’t even live here in Korea… Seonghwa also hasn’t told anyone about this dream nonsense, so he thinks it’ll be okay. He feels comfortable with San. He wants to be kind to him, but he’s nervous about how his feelings will continue to develop if he allows himself to feel for San this way. 

San realizes that Seonghwa feels uneasy about their last meeting, when they disappeared, so he decides to let Seonghwa make any further moves. 

“I was hoping that would make you happier, you seem so down,” San picks up one of the pillows and holds it close, “Maybe we could talk about something cheerful! Like our friends!” 

Seonghwa nods reassuringly to San, “Don’t worry, I am much happier now! Haha, our friends? My friend Yunho recently released a dance video on YouTube and he told us all how viral it’s going, so I’m really proud of him.” 

San is glad that Seonghwa seems happier now, loving the excited twinkle he gets in his eyes when talking about his friends’ accomplishments. 

San realizes something, however, “Wait. Yunho? I have a friend named Yunho too from back in Korea! I remember how busy he always was with dancing. Maybe we’re friends with the same Yunho!” San gets excited at his realization, starting to wonder if they will somehow meet once he goes back to Korea.

Seonghwa’s eyes go wide at what San says. They can’t possibly have a connection through Yunho… Seonghwa is going to have to eventually face San in person when he comes back if that’s true. What is Seonghwa going to do? He can’t tell his friends about how he’s falling for a man… Korea is still so closed off from the idea. He doesn’t know what his friends think of the idea, but he’s afraid. 

Seonghwa forces out a laugh, “I guess we will have to see each other once you’re back in Korea, huh?” He asked nervously, wanting to get away from this topic though. 

San sees Seonghwa getting uncomfortable again and decides to push the topic away, “Maybe!” He replies quickly and then lays down on the bed with his pillow, unsure of what to say next.

Seonghwa’s heart goes soft when he sees San just laying there holding onto his pillow, “You’re a really good person, San,” Seonghwa says, petting his Toothless plush as he too lays down. 

“I don’t know how you’re always so happy and cheerful all the time, but it’s admirable. It’s a quality in you that I adore,” Seonghwa goes on, wanting to let San know what’s going on in his head, “You seem to be always thinking of others, just like how you were watching that movie and thought of me. It made me feel really special when you conjured this up… I want to thank you,” Seonghwa finishes, his voice getting a bit shaky towards the end. 

San looks over at him and smiles big, his dimples showing, “I just never want to see you unhappy, Seonghwa! I think that you deserve happiness,” He pokes his finger at Seonghwa’s chest. 

Seonghwa is wearing his favorite long-sleeved blue and white striped pajamas. 

“Hey, don’t poke me!” Seonghwa chuckles, “I’m ticklish,” He covers himself up with the blankets, hiding from San.

San laughs, “So you’re ticklish now?” He gets up and crawls over to Seonghwa, “I’m gonna get you! You can’t hide from me, Seonghwa!” 

San starts to tickle Seonghwa through the blankets and Seonghwa’s uncontrollable laughter erupts loudly as he begs for San to stop.

San giggles, finding it funny to play with him like this. In the moment, he gets on him to continue the tickling and to keep Seonghwa from getting away. 

“Saaaaaaan, stooooop!” Seonghwa is near tears with laughter, pushing at the blankets and undercovers his head to look up at San so close to him. His heart feels like it stops when their eyes meet and his body feels a million degrees hotter. 

Since they’re just in a dream, this should be okay… right? Seonghwa’s eyes shine brightly as he looks at San.

San stops tickling him when Seonghwa’s head pops out, getting caught up looking into his deep brown eyes. 

Seonghwa hopes that San can’t hear his heart pounding in his chest as he puts one of his hands on San’s covered shoulder, feeling the need for contact. Seonghwa feels himself leaning up closer to San, his breath hot. 

San gets goosebumps when Seonghwa’s warm breath touches his skin. Want is taking over his head as his eyes soften and his lips slowly part, lowering himself closer to Seonghwa. 

Seonghwa bites the bullet and gently brushes his lips against San’s, feeling how soft and warm they are. The feeling lasts no more than a second, Seonghwa feeling San’s weight no longer pressing on him. San has disappeared again, only this time, Seonghwa isn’t feeling ashamed in himself, but feeling the need to see San again as soon as possible. 

San knows Seonghwa will disappear when their lips touch, but he needs this, he craves this. He assumes it will be like last time they touched, that it will be a while before they show up in each other’s dreams again, but they needed to feel one another. 

No matter the shame, no matter the confusedness, what is certain is that they need each other. They feel comfort in each other. They’re safe together.

End of Chapter Three


	4. Chapter Four

The next few days go by without Seonghwa and San seeing each other in their dreams just like last time, but when a week passes, they begin to worry.

Seonghwa has been having normal dreams about San now, feeling sad every time he wakes up and knowing it wasn't the real him again. He just wants to be with him again.

Seonghwa's friends have been worried about him for the past week, knowing something is off. Every time the try to ask him, Seonghwa quickly pushes it away and changes the subject. He can't let his friends know about this, they'll think he's crazy for sure.  
In Seonghwa's normal dreams he's been having and unable to control, he's able to touch San though. Not the real San, but it still makes him happy to see him and be able to dream of being with him.

At the end of the dreams, San always disappears and Seonghwa feels this overwhelming amount of dread every time he wakes up. He keeps waking up in a sweat, feeling scared and worried.

Is San alright? He can't even check on him to see if he's okay... What are these dreams?

San has been drawing a ton of sketches of Seonghwa in his journals, missing him in the absent days. After a week passed, San begins to theorize that maybe if they keep touching more and more, then the length of time they disappear grows. Or maybe the more intimate the touch makes the time away increase? He writes all of his thinking in his journal. He will have to tell Seonghwa about his theories once they meet again.

San can't keep his mind off of Seonghwa and the dreams even while he's in class, having fallen asleep way too many times during the lecture this week. San's new friends also begin to worry about him. He's never slept in class before, what could be keeping him awake all night? Studying? They can't be sure, but they hope he will be okay again soon.

San thinks about his return date to Korea and he can't help but smile. He's going to be able to meet Seonghwa in real life. They will be able to really kiss each other and not have to worry about disappearing. San smiles down at one of the sketches of Seonghwa he's drawn. How much longer do they have to be apart?

It's been twelve days since they've been in each other's dreams, but that night they appear again.

Seonghwa wakes up in a familiar place, sitting up quickly and looking beside him. San is lying there next to him, still asleep, but just seeing him be there is enough to cause Seonghwa's eyes to water. He's overwhelmed with emotion.

"You're back! You're really back," Seonghwa whispers to himself, wanting to caress his soft skin, but he restrains himself. He should be waking up soon, Seonghwa thinks.

A few minutes later, San also wakes up in a familiar setting. He smiles as he opens his eyes to find Seonghwa looking down at him with his gorgeous warm brown eyes that make his heart melt.

"You've finally come back to me," San says, also about to try and touch him, but he pauses. He can't truly touch him... What can he do so that they can be able to? San has been thinking about the possibilities for days, and he came upon an idea that he thinks just might work.

San closes his eyes and conjures up some gloves, two pairs, one for him and one for Seonghwa. He motions for Seonghwa to put on the other pair as San puts on his.

"I was thinking that maybe if we wear gloves, that we would be able to make contact," San says nervously, unsure about his theory. What if they touch and then they have to wait who-knows-how-many more agonizing days apart? 

But... what if it does work?

Seonghwa's eyes light up as he puts on the gloves, "That's an incredible idea, San! You always have such creative ideas. It must be insane to be in your head."

Seonghwa holds out both of his gloved hands towards San, "This has to work. It's not skin to skin when we're wearing these!"

San blushes and nods, his heart fluttering when Seonghwa gets so excited about his thinking, "You're exactly right, Seonghwa."

San gently places his gloved hands onto Seonghwa's, closing his eyes, afraid of them disappearing from each other. But they don't.

San opens his eyes to Seonghwa smiling wide, squeezing his hands, "I-It works!" San exclaims, his eyes turning to glass as he feels Seonghwa's hands tightly on his. His grip is so strong...

Seonghwa is amazed as well, having squeezed San's hands instinctually. Being able to hold onto him makes his heart feel full. This is real. He's physically able to hold San's hands without the worry of disappearing now.

This makes Seonghwa feel emotional, sniffling as he gets closer to San. He loosens his grip of San's hands and moves them to hold his face, "Y-You're really real... I can- I can finally hold you," Seonghwa stammers, looking deep into San's eyes.

A tear streams down San's face as Seonghwa moves his hands to hold either side of his cheeks. San lifts one of his hands and gently places it on Seonghwa's cheek as well, "I've missed you so much the past few days, Seonghwa... Haha, my friends were starting to get worried about my grades! I know it's not healthy to stay up so late, but I just couldn't stop thinking about all of this... about you."

Seonghwa's face starts to feel hot, "M-My friends were also worried, but for a different reason, I think. I had such scary dreams while you've been gone, and I think it carried over into my real life a bit... I'm so glad I'm able to have these dreams with you back. You seem to make everything in my life better"

San eyebrows start to furrow, getting a worried look on his face when Seonghwa mentions his dreams, "What kind of scary dreams?"

Seonghwa explains to San about the dreams of the two of them, and how San always disappears at the end and how dreadful Seonghwa always feels when he awakens.

San gently rubs Seonghwa's head, running his gloved hand through his hair, hoping to calm him, "Don't worry, Seonghwa. I'm here, I'm not disappearing. I promise you," San gives Seonghwa a hopeful smile, hating that he's had to feel like that while he's been gone.

"That makes me so happy to hear from you, San," Seonghwa lets himself relax into San's arms. His long silk pajamas feel so nice against his skin. He feels like he's on cloud nine just being in San's arms and having him comfort him.  
San looks down at Seonghwa laying against him, softly stroking his cheek, "I've been drawing you a lot..."

San's heart beats fast as he admits that to Seonghwa, worried he will find him weird.

Seonghwa smiles up at him, "You've been drawing me?" He gently places his gloved hand on top of San's, "I wish I were able to see your art. I bet it's incredible," he chuckles, "I don't know if you should be wasting your talent drawing someone like me, though."  
"Nothing is a waste with you," San tells Seonghwa confidently, not afraid of his feelings for him, "you have become very special to me, and it's important to me that I have something of you to think about when you're not with me."

Seonghwa is shocked, nervously looking away from San. He's special to him...? Does he really think that much about him in the real world? Seonghwa's heart feels like it's about to jump out of his chest. Could San really feel so strongly towards him?

San is still gently caressing Seonghwa's head but stops to reach down and hold onto his gloved hand once again, "I want you to know how special you are to me, Seonghwa... My journal has become full of your sketches," San squeezes Seonghwa's hand, "I only draw what I lo-..."

San pauses in his sentence as Seonghwa disappears from his arms. He looks down at his gloved hands though, and he can't help but smile.

Seonghwa wakes up in his bed in a sweat, breathing heavily. His alarm is screaming at him to wake up and he turns it off in frustration. He lays back in bed and stares up at the ceiling, "San..." he whispers to himself, out of breath. He smiles widely as he thinks about him. Maybe he should be more like San, Seonghwa thinks. San doesn't seem to be afraid of his feelings. Seonghwa hopes that soon he will be able to talk to his friends about this situation. 

End of Chapter Four


	5. Chapter Five

Seonghwa has been considering talking to his friends about San subtly the past week or so. Ever since San and he have begun being more vulnerable and emotional towards each other, it’s all he’s been able to think about. San just can’t seem to leave Seonghwa’s mind. He’s never felt this way for a man, or anyone, for that matter, before.

His last relationship didn’t end so well and his old friends weren’t very supportive of him during or even after it. Seonghwa was so broken afterward that his friends just stopped hanging around him. Seonghwa has been apprehensive about getting into another relationship ever since then, even though he got new friends.

He’s thankful to have his new group of friends, but he can’t help but be fearful that they will inevitably leave as his past friends did. These intrusive thoughts he’s having are tearing his mind apart. What if they don’t accept him? His last friends didn’t accept his last relationship and that was with a girl, what are his new friends going to think about him wanting to be with a boy? Yunho knows San… Seonghwa wonders if Yunho knows about San liking boys.

Seonghwa feels so conflicted with his emotions… He wants to be with San, but he’s so afraid. He doesn’t want to lose his only friends…

Seonghwa is even afraid to talk about all of this with San. He wants to confide in him, but something is holding him back. One moment he’s in the dream with San and they’re holding each other and talking about their life and past, but the next he’s back in real life and he still can barely believe it’s all real.

Maybe it’s not, Seonghwa sometimes thinks…

San will be coming home back to Korea soon, so Seonghwa knows he will have to make a decision soon. What is he going to do?

Meanwhile, San has been excitedly talking to his friends in America about Seonghwa. San goes on and on about how wonderful and handsome Seonghwa is to them, wanting to convey all of his feelings for him to them. San has been trying to write down his feelings and has even tried drawing to let out his emotions he feels for Seonghwa, but nothing seems just right yet. San wants to figure out the perfect way to explain how he feels to Seonghwa.

San hopes that once he goes back to Korea and finally confesses his feelings to Seonghwa in person, he will finally feel full. San can’t wait to be able to physically hold him. To be able to actually kiss him and feel the warmth of his skin. San draws a few pictures of interpretations of them in his journal along with all of his notes and drawings of Seonghwa.

“I’m coming back to Korea in time for Christmas,” San says while he’s slowly stroking Seonghwa’s arm with his gloved hand.

Seonghwa has been seeming nervous the past few nights, standoffish even, San thinks to himself. San wonders what’s bothering him so much, but wants to try and make things happy.

“Really? That’s great, San. I bet you’re excited to be able to see your grandparents again,” Seonghwa replies, not mentioning the fact that they’ll be able to finally meet.

San looks down at himself rubbing Seonghwa’s arm and sits up to try and look him in the eyes, “Of course I am, but I’m most excited to finally meet you,” San gives him a warm and gentle smile.

San hopes that Seonghwa knows he can talk to him about anything. He’s getting worried.

Seonghwa slowly nods, meeting San’s eye contact for just a moment before looking away. Something is off and San knows it.

Seonghwa curses himself in his head for looking away from San, knowing it will hurt his feelings. Why is he going to do this? If this is the last night they will see each other, why not Seonghwa make it a wonderful night? Seonghwa gives himself a small nod before looking back at San, it hurting him immensely to look into his loving and caring eyes.

“I can’t wait,” Seonghwa smiles, wanting to let himself have a nice final night with him, “My friends and family are always busy on Christmas with their partners… Maybe we could meet on Christmas? We could spend it together,” Seonghwa asks, it just coming out. He’s not going to see him on Christmas. He’s not going to see him ever he decided…

Why would Seonghwa suggest plans after being too afraid to tell his friends about San? Seonghwa can’t believe himself. What he’s doing is wrong. Why would he hurt San like this?

San lights up when Seonghwa mentions meeting each other on Christmas, “Yes! That’s an amazing idea, Seonghwa!” San bounces a bit on the bed, giddy thinking about it, “Christmas is a couples holiday, so m-maybe we could do something like go get a nice dinner or go to Jeju Island.”

San is hopeful, not letting Seonghwa’s previous mood affect him too deeply at this moment. Maybe he had a bad day…? But it’s been a few nights he’s been like that. San tried not to let it worry him.

Seonghwa closes his eyes and nods, imagining their scenery as Jeju Island. He opens his eyes and there it is, “Just like this, right San?” Seonghwa looks around and then looks back to San who is amazed.

“Yes, just like this, Seonghwa… It’s so beautiful, isn’t it? I can’t wait to go there with you,” San’s heart warms up as he leans back on the bed, his head on Seonghwa’s clothes shoulder, “I can’t wait to go to a lot of places with you. There are so many things we will be able to experience once we’re together.”

Seonghwa lays back with San and nods, forcing himself to not tear up, “Soon…” Seonghwa manages to get out, looking down at San’s head, his hair is as fluffy as ever. He gently ruffles it with his gloved hand and kept help but smile, a tear falling down his cheek. He quickly washes it away with his other hand.

San is happy just resting there with Seonghwa as they look out at what Seonghwa conjured up. He finds joy in just being in his presence. There’s something so calming about being with him.

San reaches down to hold onto Seonghwa’s gloved hand with his own, squeezing it tightly, “You make me so happy, Hwa. You’re all I can ever think about these days. I can’t wait to finally come home to you. I’ve been looking forward to it these past few months and it’s finally almost here…” San goes on, pouring out his thoughts to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa blushes as San calls him Hwa, his heart fluttering, “I-I’ve been looking forward to seeing you too, San,” Seonghwa’s voice cracks.

San looks up at Seonghwa, seeing his emotion-filled face. He gets up onto his knees towards Seonghwa and gently holds onto both sides of his face with his gloved hands, “What’s wrong, Seonghwa…? You’ve been acting a bit different the past few nights. Is everything okay?”

Seonghwa is surprised by San’s worry. San, why must you make it harder and harder? Seonghwa thinks, his mind running wild as San holds either side of his face.

“I don’t know…” is all Seonghwa can manage to say because he really doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, he doesn’t know what to do. This plan he’s come up with is the only thing he can think of.

San’s eyes drop when he says that, it hurt him that he’s unable to help him.

“Seonghwa, I just want to be here for you… You know that right? I’m always here for you.”

Seonghwa’s eyes begin to tear up again at San’s words, “Wh-Why do you have to be so good, San…? What did I do to deserve someone like you?”

Seonghwa’s face soon becomes wet with his tears, “You just… You deserve someone so much better. Someone who is not afraid. Someone who isn’t afraid to express their feelings,” Seonghwa begins to break down in San’s arms.

San’s eyes are wide as Seonghwa says all of this to him, it breaking his heart to hear him say these things, “No, no, no. Seonghwa, I don’t deserve anyone else. I just want you, okay? I want you.”

San tried to lower himself down so he can look into Seonghwa’s eyes, but Seonghwa’s head is buried so deeply into San’s shoulder that he’s unable to.

Seonghwa can’t believe he’s breaking down like this in front of San. He wanted to give him one amazing final night, but he instead has given him an emotional rollercoaster. What would San say if he knew he couldn’t even tell his friends about them? That he was too ashamed? He curses at himself. He’s ashamed that he’s too ashamed to tell his close friends about the boy he loves. Seonghwa is so confused.

San realizes Seonghwa can’t talk, so he just rubs his back, “It’s okay, Seonghwa…” he softly whispers in his ear, “please don’t worry, I’ll be there soon.”

Hearing this just makes Seonghwa cry more, knowing that he won’t be seeing San soon.

Seonghwa finally wakes up from the dream world into the real world and his face wet. He looks up and doesn’t see San and it makes his heart feels like it’s breaking in half. Seonghwa sits up and curls into a ball.

What has Seonghwa done?

End of Chapter Five


	6. Chapter Six

The next few nights Seonghwa goes to bed at a normal time, knowing he won't run into San because of this. Seonghwa's mood has hit an all-time low. His friends are getting even more worried. Jongho and Yunho especially have been trying to take extra good care of Seonghwa when they're together. Something is wrong and they know it.

Seonghwa's dreams still have San's sleeping body in them. The first few nights, he kept him there - looking at him and thinking about what he's done. He forces himself to look away, unable to face reality.

After a week, Seonghwa began turning away from San while he dreams. He can't face even his sleeping body like this. Seonghwa's heart aches for San, but he convinces himself it's for the best.

San has been heartbroken since that night when Seonghwa was crying in his arms. He wished he could fly back right then and run to him. His dorm has become flooded with portraits of Seonghwa and theories and reasons why he hasn't appeared in his dreams the past few nights. Where is he...?

San misses Seonghwa badly. He wishes he could know what Seonghwa was feeling. He wants to help him. How could he let the man of his dreams, literally, be feeling like this?

After a week and still no sign of Seonghwa awake in San's dreams, he starts thinking that Seonghwa started sleeping at a different time.

That night, San tries going to sleep earlier, but still, Seonghwa is not awake in his dreams.

A few days since San tried going to bed earlier, he tries going to bed later. He would've tried the next night, but his roommate has been on him about getting enough sleep for finals coming up.

Tonight, San goes to sleep later though, unable to continue going without being able to try and find Seonghwa again.

Seonghwa has been turning his back to San's sleeping body the past few nights, but he can't help but look back at him. He can't take it anymore... Tonight, he will touch him. Just so he doesn't have to be reminded every night for a while... Seonghwa realizes how horrible that sounds.

Seonghwa lays facing San, his eyes glassy as he admires San's face, remembering his incredible smile and handsome dimples. Seonghwa shakily holds out his hand, getting closer to San's face.

San wakes up that night, seeing Seonghwa facing him. He notices Seonghwa's hand about to touch his cheek and he's not wearing his gloves. San's eyes go wide, not wanting to disappear from each other, but it's too late.

Seonghwa gently caresses San's cheek as he sees San's eyes open to look at him. He looked so surprised and then so scared... Seonghwa couldn't help but gasp as San disappeared from him. Seonghwa feels a pang through his heart. San saw him do it.

Seonghwa and San lie alone in their beds, without one another.

San holds onto Seonghwa's pillow, putting his face into it. Why is he doing this? San wonders if Seonghwa is afraid of being with him. San is most afraid of how long it's going to take for them to see each other in their dreams once again.

Seonghwa lays back on the bed, staring up into the abyss that should be the ceiling of the dream. He's done it. He has done it... Did he do the right thing? If so, why does he feel so horrible...? He feels as if he's been shot right through the heart.

The next few nights, Seonghwa is afraid of going to bed. San has figured out what he’s been doing. The jig is up. He saw him. Actually saw him going to touch him so that he would disappear. Seonghwa is unsure of when San will reappear, but it’s been haunting him.

San goes to bed the next few nights, knowing that Seonghwa won’t be appearing for a while, but he still writes on his arms a message for Seonghwa when they finally reappear to each other.

San wants Seonghwa to trust him. He has known something hadn’t been right for a while but hasn't known what he can do to help Seonghwa. God, he wishes he could be with him during this time... Everything would have been much different. San is much better at helping people when he is physically there and able to.

San prays that once they reappear to each other that Seonghwa will open up to him… That he will let him talk to him.

San wants to tell Seonghwa that he is utterly in love with him.

The night they reappear comes.

Seonghwa opens his eyes that night to see San, but San isn’t awake like he thought he would be. He found him out that night, Seonghwa thinks. So, why isn’t he waking up with him?

Seonghwa shakes his head. No, this is exactly what he wanted in the first place when he did what he did. He doesn’t get to be upset. 

Seonghwa can’t help but admire San though, admittingly having missed not seeing him. How could he not? He's all he can ever think about. His brain is so confused with all of these feelings he’s been feeling. Why must life be like this? Seonghwa just wants to be happy.

Seonghwa sits up, looking over San’s body. He was in the purple pajamas his grandparents had gotten him for while he was in America. This makes his heart warm. He remembers that night when he was wearing them and he smiles. They truly bonded that night. They opened up a little bit.

Seonghwa is taken aback, however, when he looks down to see the writing on San’s arm.

Please come back to me, it says in black marker.

Seonghwa feels a tingling run through his body as his eyes began to tear up. How can San still want him? Seonghwa realizes that San wants him to come back to him on his own terms… That must be why he didn’t wake up with him tonight.

Seonghwa doesn’t know what to do…

End of Chapter Six


	7. Chapter Seven

In the next few days, Jongho and Yunho have been trying to figure out what’s been going on with Seonghwa. Jongho jokingly suggests that it’s relationship trouble. Yunho laughs but says how he thinks that might actually be it. Yunho explains to Jongho how he’s never seen Seonghwa be like this before.

Yunho decides to confront Seonghwa in a more private setting, hoping that he will open up to him.

“Hey, man. I’ve noticed you’ve been really down recently, I just wanted to ask you if things are alright. You can talk to me, or any of us really about anything. We’re your best friends, we’re here for you,” Yunho says warmly, showing Seonghwa and a friendly smile.

Seonghwa just nods, rubbing the back of his head, “I just…” Seonghwa sighs, putting his head into his hands, “I don’t know what I’ve done, Yunho. I think I did something I shouldn’t have because of my own stupid fear.”

Seonghwa feels even worse after last night and seeing what San had written on his arm as a note to him.

Please come back to me

Those words haven't stopped running through Seonghwa's mind since he saw them. Seonghwa needs some sort of guidance in his thinking. Everything in his head keeps getting all jumbled up and it’s stressing him out badly.

Yunho rubs Seonghwa’s shoulder supportively, wanting to be there for him, “What’s happened?” He asks, not wanting to ask too much in detail in case Seonghwa doesn’t want to open up that far.

Seonghwa eases into Yunho after he rubs his shoulder. Seonghwa really doesn’t want to lose his best friend. Seonghwa stays quiet for a few moments, thinking to himself. If Yunho is a true friend, he would support Seonghwa, right?

Seonghwa takes a deep breath, “I-I’ve found someone,” he finally says, “but I pushed them away,” Seonghwa is trying to be careful about his wording.

Yunho nods, “You found someone? That’s wonderful, dude, but why did you push them away? Don’t you really like them? Haha, we all suspected something like that when you were so happy the past few months, but no one wanted to pry.”

Seonghwa tried to give him a smile, “Yeah, they’re an incredible person. I’m so lucky to have met them, I really am… God, I miss him so much…” Seonghwa says the last part quietly to himself.

Yunho continues to listen to him, “I’m glad that you’ve met someone that could make you feel that way, Seonghwa. It truly makes me happy to hear, but what happened for you to push them away?”

Seonghwa stays quiet for a few moments before starting, “To be honest, I was afraid of what you and everyone would think…”

Yunho laughs, “Afraid of what I would think? Seonghwa, do you know who you’re talking to?” He tries to lighten the mood and it makes Seonghwa smile a bit more.

Seonghwa nods, “Yes, I was afraid. The… the- uhm, person that makes me feel that way is a man,” Seonghwa admits in a low voice, his heart pounding in his chest as he’s unsure of how Yunho will take this news.

Yunho’s eyes do widen, not having expected that to be what he was afraid of, “Oh, Seonghwa… You shouldn’t be afraid to tell me or any of the guys that…” Yunho pulls Seonghwa into a hug, “You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you like. I’m sure the other guys wouldn’t mind who you were with as long as they were making you happy.”

Seonghwa holds his tears back, hugging Yunho back tightly, “You’re sure…? You’re not going to abandon me as friends, right?” Seonghwa looks up at him.

Yunho thinks his question is a joke at first, but he sees how serious Seonghwa looks at him afterward, “Yes, Seonghwa. We are not going to abandon you. We are brothers until the end, you hear me?” Yunho gives him a big smile and pulls him back into the hug, “Never forget that.”

Seonghwa allows himself to shed a tear, squeezing Yunho tightly, “You don’t know how much that means to me to hear you say that, Yunho.”

Seonghwa and Yunho embrace for what seems like an eternity to Seonghwa, but he comes to and gasps, “Yunho, I’ve done a terrible thing…” 

Yunho steps back so he’s able to look at Seonghwa and he tilts his head, “What happened with the boy, Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa breathes heavily, but he tries to calm himself down, “I-I have been avoiding him… I was so afraid you guys wouldn’t accept me that I stopped seeing him, so I wouldn’t feel hurt every time I saw him, but… that was messed up of me to do. I don’t know why I did that to him…” Seonghwa explains frantically, knowing he needs to see San again as soon as possible. His heart aches for him.

Yunho nods supportively, “Yeah, that was not the best idea, but sometimes things like that happen, Seonghwa. You’re learning. This is a new experience for you and you didn’t know what to do. Now you know that you can always talk to me if there’s something wrong. I’m sure you can also talk to this boy you like so much,” he smirks and winks, “You should go see him, Seonghwa.” 

Seonghwa nods quickly, his mind racing with thoughts, “You’re right, Yunho. Thank you so much, I’m so lucky to have you as my friend. I promise I’ll try not to be afraid next time something like this comes up… I’ll come to you or one of the other guys and actually talk it out. I can’t believe I just assumed everything…” he sighs, realizing how much trouble he has caused by just assuming things would be one way without talking to anyone or really thinking of all of the possible outcomes. 

Yunho is happy that Seonghwa finally opened up to him and talked to him about what was going on in his life. He’s glad that nothing was wrong within his family or anything like that. 

Yunho wonders how long Seonghwa has wanted to come out about this to them. His friend San has come out to him a while ago. San wasn’t very afraid, he was proud to be himself. Yunho hopes that Seonghwa will be able to feel pride within himself one day.

Yunho thinks to himself that he should introduce the two, they would probably make out to be great friends. 

End of Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter Eight

Seonghwa is actually excited to go to sleep again after having that heart to heart talk with Yunho. He can't wait to be with San again. Why did he ever doubt his friends? They're not like the others. Seonghwa smiles to himself as he thinks about seeing San tonight.

Seonghwa hopes that San isn't too upset with him over everything that happened. He will have to actually explain everything to him tonight. Seonghwa had just been keeping him in the dark about his feelings.

San hopes that Seonghwa read his message that he's been writing on himself. He misses him terribly... San keeps his hopes high of seeing Seonghwa soon though. He's always been such an optimistic person.

San has been trying to plan their day together when he gets back to Korea. He knows they're going to go to Jeju Island, but he hasn't been there for a long time. He has to research what they can do there.

San smiles to himself as he researches, knowing that even if he didn't find much to do that they would still have a wonderful time just because they'll be together. San's heart feels warm. He really hopes that Seonghwa will come back to him...

Seonghwa takes a deep breath and sets a glass of water by his bedside when he gets into bed that night. He wants to be ready for whatever happens tonight. Seonghwa really hopes San isn't upset... He can't imagine San being upset, actually.

Seonghwa has always seen San as a joyful and soft boy. That might be a reason he's gravitated to him so much. He's been looking for someone that will bring him up instead of down, someone that will love him for him. Could San love him...?

Seonghwa closes his eyes to enter his dream wonderland, waking up soon after in the bed to see San laying there. Seonghwa closes his eyes in the dream and conjures up their gloves, putting his on. Seonghwa gently strokes San's arm, "Are you here, San?" He whispers to him in a soft voice.

San is awake and his body feels like it's on fire when he feels Seonghwa's pressure on his arm. His arms get covered in goosebumps, having missed his touch so badly - even though it's not skin to skin.

San turns over to see him, his eyes heavy-looking as he smiles lovingly at him, "Seonghwa... I've missed you so much, where have you been?" He sits up slowly, reaching up to hold his left cheek.

Seonghwa rests his head into San's hand, closing his eyes, as he has missed him dearly too.

"I... I had to think about a lot of things. I'm so sorry for leaving you that night, it was wrong of me," Seonghwa says apologetically, opening his eyes back up to show his sincerity to San when he looks into his eyes.

San smiles and shakes his head, "It's okay, my love." San lifts his gloved hand up to run it through Seonghwa's hair.

Seonghwa's eyes widen at San's words, unsure if even he knows what he just called him. His heartbeat quickens as he reaches to hold onto San's free hand, "It wasn't... but I will make it up to you somehow. I promise you."

San crawls closer to Seonghwa so he can lean against his chest, holding onto both of his hands, "If you're comfortable, you can tell me what happened. I could never be upset at you," San squeezes Seonghwa's hands reassuringly.

Seonghwa feels so full when he's with San like this. How is it even humanly possible to feel the way San makes him feel? It's unexplainable.

"I was afraid, San... I have never felt this way about a man before a-and I know how frowned upon our kind of relationship is in Korea..." Seonghwa sighs, feeling horrible about what he did, "I was so afraid of telling my friends about us that I tried to get away from you... That's why I touched your face that night and why we weren't waking up together all of the nights before."

San listens intently to Seonghwa, giving him his full attention as he takes all that he says in.

"I was just so afraid... I was so afraid of loving you that I tried to escape it. I was afraid of being shunned by my friends just like the friends I had before had done to me," Seonghwa continues, "I missed you s-so much, San..." Seonghwa begins to sniffle, forcing himself to look away from San.

San gently reaches up and wills Seonghwa's head back down to look at him, "It's okay to be afraid, Seonghwa... I wish you felt safe enough to talk about it to me before, but I understand how scary those kinds of new feelings can be."

Seonghwa's eyes are fully glassed over as he looks down at San, a few tears starting to stream down his cheeks, "I didn't know what to do, and then I made the worst possible decision I could've made at the time... But my friend Yunho pulled me aside the other day and asked me what was wrong. All of them had been concerned, I could tell, but when Yunho pulled me aside like that I just let it all out..."

Seonghwa takes a few moments to breathe. San wipes away Seonghwa's tears and smiles, knowing how supportive of a friend Yunho is. He had forgotten they shared him as a friend.

"I came out to him and he supported me and said how all of our other friends would too... It felt so good to be accepted," Seonghwa lets out an awkward chuckle, "Then I started telling him when I knew and about you."

Seonghwa rubs San's head carefully, "I didn't go into a lot of details about our situation, but he was so happy. After that conversation, I knew I had to come make things right again."

"The night before I talked to Yunho is when I saw what you had written on your arm... It tore me to pieces seeing that. I couldn't believe you still wanted to be with me," Seonghwa finishes," I still can't believe it."

San smiles big, "Now you have to believe it, Hwa," San sits up and wraps his arms around Seonghwa, being careful not to touch his face with his skin, "I could never rid myself of these feelings I have for you even if I tried to. Plus, we have plans for when I come home."

Seonghwa takes a breath, remembering San is coming back home soon, "We're meeting on Christmas, right?" Seonghwa rubs San's back.

San nods joyfully, "On Christmas. We can meet at the KTX in Seoul that morning so we can make it to Jeju and spend the day there together!"

Seonghwa is a little shocked still how understanding San was with him. He will forever be thankful for it. He still can't believe that he actually did what he did to him, thinking it was the right thing to do.

Seonghwa smiles, nodding, "That sounds perfect, San! I can't wait to finally see you now that all of this has finally been cleared up for me."

San sees the still guilty look Seonghwa has in his eyes, "Hwa... It really is okay, I want you to know that," he sits up on his knees to hold his face as he looks deeply into his eyes, hoping he will get through to him.

Seonghwa leans into San's hands, seeing the caring look he's giving him, "I just... feel really bad about it, you know?"

San nods, "I know... but I hope one day you will be able to forgive yourself."

San puts his gloved hand against Seonghwa's forehead and gives his hand a kiss, knowing he can't actually kiss his forehead. Soon, he thinks. He just has to wait until Christmas and then he will be able to give Hwa all of his love and affection.

Seonghwa can't help but blush when San does this, it means a lot to him, knowing they can't truly touch yet. Seonghwa looks at San for a while, thinking. He thinks about how wonderland he is and how lucky he is to have him in his life. God, he can't wait to tell him these feelings. Only a little while longer, though...

Seonghwa closes his eyes and conjures up the scenery to be a night sky, "Can we just lay here together tonight?" He asks, giving him a shy smile.

"That sounds perfect for right now," San agrees, laying back in the bed with him, his head on Seonghwa's shoulder and his hand on his chest.

Seonghwa loves when San does that, it makes him feel like San trusts him and feels safe being with him. Seonghwa feels confident in himself that he will become more and more comfortable. This is still all new to him after all.

Seonghwa gently rubs San's head, "Have I ever told how handsome you are?"

San laughs at Seonghwa's sudden confession, "Ohhhh, is that why you like me?" He teasingly asks, smirking up at him.

Seonghwa ruffles his hair, "That is one of the reasons, but you're just such a beautiful soul, San. You're so understanding, you always know how to cheer me up, you're always so happy. It's my favorite thing in the world to see you smiling... I can't wait to see it in person. I can't wait to just touch you."

San blushes, kissing all over his clothed chest, "I wish you knew how much you meant to me, Seonghwa. These past few months, I've just... I've- ah, I'll tell you on Christmas," he stops himself but shows a big smile to reassure Seonghwa it's nothing bad.

"I can wait," Seonghwa replies, hugging onto San tightly, "You're worth every second of every minute of my time, San."

San nuzzles into him, it calming him to heart Seonghwa's heartbeat so clearly. Knowing he's there, living and breathing just does something to him. He feels so lucky.

The rest of their dream, they lay and admire the night sky together. It won't be long until they can do everything in person. They can't wait to see each other, to touch each other. Their lives will become one that day. They'll finally get to be together and have their own happy ending.

Right...?

——————

Haha, nah y'all I'm just messing. It's going to be a happy ending, I'm not gonna make the plane crash or them die on the train together or something. This story has been way too soft for tragedy. No matter how much I love it—

I hope you've enjoyed the story, it means the world to me to see people actually commenting and voting for it.

The final update will be on Christmas. I've planned the story out to be like this! I'm very excited about it. Now I just have to write the final chapter.

I'm glad you've stuck along for the ride! I'll see you on Christmas Day, my loves <3


	9. Chapter Nine - FINALE

(For this chapter, I actually made a Spotify playlist! You'll see why I did that about two paragraphs in, so I'm linking it here in case anyone would like to listen to it. I compiled it from songs Seonghwa has actually recommended and also added songs I think he would listen to.)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0hM4wXOmmiVZ318N6wD3iq

San rests his head against the plexiglass window of the airplane. A smile spreads across his face when he thinks about how he's meeting Seonghwa the next morning. San begins to wonder how tall he will be compared to him and if he will be the same amazing man he met in their own little wonderland. Of course he's going to be, San feels his body heat up thinking about the moment they'll meet in person for the first time. He hopes he won't be too incredibly nervous. Gosh, he really hopes he doesn't make a fool of himself in front of him.

San puts on his headphones and turns on a playlist that Seonghwa had recommended to him. Seonghwa told San that he made that playlist just for San to listen to on the plane. San closes his eyes as the slow songs start. He smiles, learning that Seonghwa likes more ballad-like songs that are easy to listen to. He finds that a few of them cause him to get a bit emotional, thinking of his love as he listens.

San eventually falls asleep on the plane, sleeping through most of the flight while the playlist plays in his ears.

Seonghwa has been feeling anxious all day, knowing that San would be coming home to Korea tonight. He's been wondering if they'll disappear from each other's dreams once they finally meet. What if they disappear tonight since San will be back in Korea with Seonghwa?

Seonghwa also wonders how close together they live since he remembers that San is also friends with Yunho. Yunho makes friends with everyone so easily. Seonghwa is so happy to have such a good friend like Yunho in his life.

That night, San finally gets back to his home. His grandparents picked him up from the airport in Seoul and he's going to be staying with them tonight. He excitedly talked to them about his plans for tomorrow with Seonghwa.

San's grandparents are happy to see their little grandson so happy and excited about something. Not that he isn't like that most of the time, but they have always hoped for their baby to find love. San's grandparents are more open than most about a lot of topics. They would never turn their grandson away for loving a man. They've just wanted him to find happiness, they didn't care what their gender was as long as they treat him well.

San unpacks some of his stuff, trying to lay out what he's going to wear to meet Seonghwa at the train station tomorrow. He's so excited to visit Jeju with him. He just knows that they're going to have an incredible time, especially since San has a few things planned for them to do when they get there. He puts his list of plans he made for them in the pocket of the jacket he laid out to wear tomorrow. He hopes that it's not too cold and windy to do anything.

Seonghwa is lying in bed that night, staring at this ceiling as he's scared to sleep and San not be there with him. He doesn't know how this whole dream wonderland they share works. Seonghwa eventually curls up on his side under the covers and drifts off to sleep, thinking of the day ahead of him.

San falls asleep that night, but he doesn't wake up in the bed him and Seonghwa normally do. He's fallen back into his previously normal dreams he had before Seonghwa. San's normal dreams are seemingly like a flashback, it being to when his parents and grandparents saw him off at the airport for his semester in America. When he gets on the plane in the dream, however, his seatmate is Seonghwa.

San sits next to Seonghwa on the plane in his dream and they connect on the plane and San winds up falling asleep on Seonghwa's shoulder for the majority of the ride.

Soon, San wakes up. Actually wakes up. He sits up in his bed at his grandparents' home and smiles. San shakes his head, guessing that he and Seonghwa's wonderland is now completed since San is back in South Korea.

Seonghwa's suspicions of them not being in their dreams together since San's close proximity turns out to be correct when he has a normal dream that night.

Seonghwa's dreams started with him getting onto the train at the KTX, he didn't know why San wasn't at the station. They had said that's where they would meet, so why is Seonghwa getting on the train already? Seonghwa sits on the train and a few seconds later he feels an intense impact and everything goes black. He wakes up in his bed in a sweat, panting hard as he looks around his room. Thank god it was just a dream.

Seonghwa grabs his phone and checks the time.

6:00 AM

Seonghwa hoped to leave his house at seven that morning so he would be able to be there a few minutes before San. He wanted to try and ease his anxiety about finally meeting him. After getting to the station, he purchases their tickets and sits where they had planned to meet.

San gets dressed in the clothes he had laid out for himself and puts on his jacket, patting his pocket with the note of activities for him and Seonghwa to do. San leaves his bedroom and goes to the kitchen, his grandma standing there cooking some breakfast.

"Sannie, good morning. Are you leaving already? I was cooking up some breakfast for us," San's grandma says, smiling warmly when she sees how nicely San is dressed, "He's a lucky boy, I'll tell you that."

San smiles big and chuckles, "I think I'm the lucky one, grandma," he goes over and gives her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, "I'm sorry I can't stay for breakfast, but I'll be home tonight for dessert. I know you always make your famous patbingsu for the holidays."

"I'll be sure to save you a bowl, Sannie. Be careful today please, and don't get into too much trouble," she laughs.

"I'll be good, grandma. I love you," San says as he walks out the door, heading to the KTX station. He can feel his heart beating faster and faster the closer he gets to the station. Seonghwa seemed like he would be tall with those long legs, but he's hoping they'll be around the same height. San can't help but smile giddily as he thinks of Seonghwa.

San shoves his hands into his pockets, the cold breeze hitting him as he walks into the station. San looks around, looking for the spot they agreed to meet at. They were going to meet at the large Christmas tree in the center of the waiting area. San spots the giant tree and starts going towards it, his breathing started to quicken, causing his breath to be more visible.

Seonghwa is sitting on a bench by the tree, checking the time.

7:15 AM

Seonghwa puts his hands back into his pockets to keep them warm. He thinks about how San should be getting here any minute now, their meeting time having been this exact time. Their tickets are for 7:25 AM.

Seonghwa looks around the station, keeping an eye out for San. He wonders what he will be like in person. Will they be the same height? His body looked so small and fit, so Seonghwa assumes San will be a bit shorter than him.

San sees a man sitting on a bench in front of the Christmas tree and he gets excited, wanting to surprise him. San sneaks up on the man and touches his shoulders, "BOO!" He giggles, but the man turns around and it is not Seonghwa. A wave of embarrassment passes over San as he realizes he just scared a stranger and he immediately begins apologizes, explaining how he was mistaken when there's a tap on his shoulder.

San turns around after the touch and it feels like his breathing comes to a halt as he stares back at the boy that's been in his dreams for all these months.

Seonghwa...

San's eyes start to water uncontrollably when he sees him, unable to withhold himself as he wraps his arms around him tightly, "Seonghwa!" San says, sounding out of breath.

Seonghwa smiles widely as San gives him such a surprising hug, but he wraps his arms around him as well, "I knew it was you right when I saw you, San..." Seonghwa whispers into San's ear, feeling all these intense emotions bubbling to the surface as he is finally physically with his love.

San sniffles and pulls back to look up into Seonghwa's gorgeous brown eyes, still keeping his arms around him, "I wish I could say the same," he laughs, still feeling embarrassed from the mishap he had, "I might've scared a stranger thinking it was you," San explains as he nervously steps back from Seonghwa, knowing they're still in public and have been in an embrace for quite a few moments longer than most common people would consider normal.

Seonghwa laughs when San tells him the story, "Oh, I know. I was wondering why you were going up to that man!" Seonghwa pulls out their tickets, spreading them to show he already bought San's.

San rubs the back of his head in embarrassment, but then he takes the ticket, "Ah, thank you, Hwa... I'll pay you back, I promise!"

Seonghwa shakes his head, "There's no need. You being here right now is the best payback I could ever receive in my life."

San feels heat rush to his cheeks and it's not from the cold. He tries to look away from Seonghwa, but Seonghwa wills his gaze back to him as he grabbed ahold of his hand and puts it into his jacket pocket so he can keep their hands warm together.

"Hwa-" San starts shyly, but he doesn't move his hand from Seonghwa's grasp or from being in Seonghwa's jacket pocket.

"Hmm?" Seonghwa gives him a joyous smile, happy that they're able to hold hands, "You're not disappearing from me this time," Seonghwa gives San's hand a gentle squeeze, loving feeling his skin against his own.

San agrees, squeezing Seonghwa's hand back, "I'm glad that we're able to be here together now..." San finishes his sentence right as their train pulls up, the time must be 7:25 already.

San and Seonghwa step onto the train and go towards the back, taking a seat together. Seonghwa is a bit wary of people looking at them before and after they sit down, knowing many of the older generation will give them dirty looks, but after seeing San in person his worries about his identity have heavily subsided. He doesn't want to feel ashamed about who he is anymore. He has a support system surrounding him that love him and will always be proud of him.

San yawns, even though he got a lot of sleep last night, being on a plane for so many hours takes a lot out of you. Seonghwa sees San's yawn, "You can sleep on the way there if you'd like, San. I'll wake you when we get there," He whispers down at San.

San looks up at Seonghwa unsurely, "I don't want us to miss the stop though. What if you fall asleep too?"

Seonghwa shakes his head, "Don't worry, I got plenty of sleep last night," he pats his shoulder for San to be able to lay on.

San complies and lays against Seonghwa's shoulder, giving his hand another squeeze, "Only for a few minutes, okay?"

Seonghwa nods, admiring the boy now laying against him. His heart pounds in his chest as everything sets in. He's finally with San. He's here holding his hand and San is about to take a nap on his shoulder. Could life get any better than this?

After a few minutes, San falls asleep on Seonghwa, making a small snoring noise, but it's not loud enough to bother anyone. After staring out the window for a while, Seonghwa's eyes begin to flutter sleepily. He tries hard to keep himself awake, but inevitably, he ends up falling asleep too, his head resting on top of San's.

Seonghwa is the first one to wake up, gasping as soon as he wakes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, did they miss the stop? They were going to get off in Mokpo and then hop on a ferry to get to Jeju. Seonghwa looks up at the little computer saying the next stop and sees that it reads...

'NEXT STOP : SEOUL'

This makes Seonghwa's eyes widen in panic. That is the furthest they could possibly be from where they were supposed to get off in Mokpo. All of Seonghwa's sudden movement causes San to stir awake, rubbing his eyes as he looks up at Seonghwa, "Are we there yet, Hwa?" He says with a yawn following.

Seonghwa offers an awkwardly nervous laugh in response, "Well... You see..." Is all Seonghwa is able to get out before San audibly gasps.

"Seoul? That's not where we are supposed to be headed. What happened?" San asks, worry visible in his eyes.

"I might've fallen asleep too..." Seonghwa shifts his eyes, hoping that San isn't upset at him.

To Seonghwa's surprise, San laughs, "I told you not to fall asleep! I knew you would!" San pats his chest playfully as he reprimands him, "What time even is it?"

Seonghwa checks his watch, it reading 11:45 AM.

San thinks for a moment as he reads the time over Seonghwa's shoulder, "I suppose we could do something in Seoul instead, but I don't have any idea what we could do. I didn't plan for Seoul," he laughs as he pulls out the crumpled piece of paper with the plans he had laid out for them out of his pocket.

"I'm really sorry about falling asleep, Sannie..." Seonghwa says genuinely, sad that San's plans for them had gone to waste.

San shakes his head and places a hand over Seonghwa's, Seonghwa immediately brightening up from San's touch, "There will be no apologizing today, today is going to be wonderful still, I just know it. Especially since you're with me, there's no way it couldn't be amazing."

Seonghwa smiles, reassured by San's words, "I'll make sure it's the best day, San."

San lifts his hand and gently caresses Seonghwa's face, having seen most of the people on the train when they had gotten on weren't there anymore. San just needed to touch him. He's real and sitting right next to him. The biggest smile is spread across San's face, showing off his dimples as he studies Seonghwa's features.

Seonghwa blushes as San stares at him, "W-What are you looking at?" He says, flustered from San's gaze.

"It's so much clearer in person. Images in my memory can become a bit blurry as I try to remember, but here you are... So clear," San says, amazed at what he's seeing. After all, they've only ever seen each other in their dreams. Memories aren't always the most reliable for details.

Seonghwa smiles, "I see," he says, poking his finger into San's dimple, "You're so incredibly handsome in person, San."

When Seonghwa stops speaking, the train comes to a halt. They must be in Seoul already.

San and Seonghwa get off of the train in Seoul and begin to walk around the city. It's very busy today -- Seoul is always busy, of course, but today being Christmas Day, couples are everywhere. In South Korea, Christmas is a holiday for couples. San and Seonghwa keep close to each other as they walk through the crowds, a few times getting pushed into one another.

They spend most of the day walking around the city, stopping by to look in certain shops and stopping at a PC cafe for a while and San shows Seonghwa League of Legends, a game San has gotten really into recently. Seonghwa loved to see San's happy face as he played the game he loved, it makes his whole body get fuzzy and warm.

They've been wary about how much they touch each other throughout the day, even though they both clearly yearn for the other's touch. Physical affection in public is not looked upon in the best light, but San had a plan for the end of the night before they both had to get back on the train to go home.

San was pulling on Seonghwa's hand as they speed-walked through the crowds on the sidewalks, "Where are you taking me?" Seonghwa questioned as San tugged him along. Seonghwa can't help but smile when San looks back at him with the brightest eye-smile he's ever seen, his dimples showing.

"You'll see! You'll see! I remembered something that I think would be beautiful to see with you, Hwa," San replies, the cold air hitting them as they speed up. The sun had gone down about an hour ago while they were in one of the cafes, they'll have to be getting back to the station soon, Seonghwa thinks.

San spots the Banpo bridge in the distance and jumps up in excitement, letting go of Seonghwa's hand to turn back to him, "That's where we're going, Hwa!" San's eyes shine brightly as he looks into Seonghwa's eyes. San's heart seems to beat faster and faster every time he looks at Seonghwa. He can't believe he found someone as wonderful as him in the wildest of situations they could've been in. It's truly a miracle, he thinks.

The Banpo Bridge is lit up with vibrant rainbow colors as the fountain spills out of it. San has always wanted to go and see it in person, and now with Seonghwa, he has a reason to go. People have described it as the most beautiful bridge in all of South Korea and standing from here, San believes those people are right.

Seonghwa bites his lip as he sees the bridge, not being so sure about being up so high in the air, "Up there?" He swallows and continues walking with San though, surely with San there, he will be alright.

San nodded excitedly, grabbing ahold of Seonghwa's hand again to keep warm. The cold is worsening the darker it gets outside, but Seonghwa's hands feel so so warm against San's.

San and Seonghwa reach the Banpo bridge, walking up it until they get to the middle and then San leans on the edge and looks out at the cityscape in front of him. The sky is beautiful with a million brilliant stars shining down on them along with the moonlight. San admires the way Seonghwa's skin seems to glow as the moonlight hits it.

"You're the most breathtaking man I've ever seen, Hwa," San says shyly, it just kind of coming out of his mouth involuntarily.

Seonghwa blushes and smiles as he brings San into his warm embrace, holding onto him tightly, nuzzling his head into his shoulder. They stay there like that for a few moments before Seonghwa pulls his head away from San's shoulder, instead pressing it to his forehead. Seonghwa looks into San's eyes as he speaks in a whisper, "I love you, San."

San feels his skin covered in goosebumps as Seonghwa presses his forehead to his, hoping that Seonghwa can't hear how hard his heart is pounding for him. San's eyes soften as Seonghwa reveals his love for him, tears beginning to well up, "I love you so much, Seonghwa..." San whispers back, a tear of happiness rolling down his cheek.

Seonghwa lifts his hand and gently caresses San's cheek before he presses his lips to San's, giving him a tender peck. His breath is hot against San's as he slowly pulls away, but he's surprised when San pulls him back, pulling him into a more passionate kiss. Seonghwa's lips feel perfectly in place when they're on San's. San wraps his arms around Seonghwa's neck, and Seonghwa's fall around San's waist as they kiss, it feeling like they're in their own world again, their own little wonderland where it's just the two of them.

Is this how the rest of their life is going to be? Is this how they'll feel forever? San can't wait for the future to see what is in store for Seonghwa and him. With Seonghwa by his side, he knows that anything is possible.

End of Chapter Nine - FINALE

\------------

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday <3

This was the first story I had ever written and completed, I hope the ending is alright. Thank you all so much for reading my story.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my stories, feel free to follow me on twitter @pinearah  
:)


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